Ruined Saturday

Ugh, I can't see my baby today. He had to go and get in a fight yesterday and he got in trouble. It's been 2 weeks since I saw him. I have to wait till his birthday tuesday. Damn. But at least I can text him and I have my memories of the last time I saw him. THAT was a good saturday. We tried things I've never done before (no I did not sleep with him, although that might be why I'm so pissed about not getting to see him today. My plans were ruined, but just wait till Tuesday :P). Even though I'm mad about that I guess it wouldn't have mattered because he has all these meetings today so eh. I just have to live till Tuesday and pray he won't get into more trouble.

Updates

It's been awhile since I last posted. About two weeks from what I can tell. Well so much has happened. I am still successful in my path of no cutting if you're wondering. And I have a boyfriend, although it's probably not who you think it is. It's Jonathan. He is so sweet and amazing. He and I started texting again about a month ago and then two weeks ago he asked me out. And he really likes me. For some inexplicable reason he seems to find me very attractive, or as he likes to say "sexy." I don't see it but he likes it so I guess it's good enough. In fact I'm going to see him tomorrow for the first time since asking me out. And I also know that he doesn't want to use me either, although we have a habit talking dirty, because he swore that he would never rush me into anything (and might I mention that he's almost 19. So I think he's mature) and I believe him because he has liked me for over 3 months. I can't wait till tomorrow. :)
And more good news. Josh is out of jail! Finally! I missed him so much! I'm glad because he's my best friend (and yes I still have kinda a thing for him. So sue me I am human.) Yeah he texted me Tuesday and was like "I'm outta jail now." I was so excited. We've been talking and texting a lot. I'm glad because I've missed him so much.
And more good news. Mike finally got a job. Yes, finally! I'm glad he's finally got one. It's about damn time. Although I'm still kinda pissed at him for the stunt he pulled last weekend. Well Saturday (Halloween) we (my mom, Bubba, and myself) went to the fair, while Mike was sitting in the car, supposedly just listening to the radio (he had been drinking this wine that he swore that he would never drink again. He had already drunk like 3 bottles and he had like 5 more for the next day because in this state you can't buy alcohol on Sundays), so we thought we would hust go in and he would pass out and we'd just go home later. That didn't happen. About 3 hours later we came out, having had a wonderful time, to discover he had taken the car. We had to call his son to drinve us home. That next day I was planning to see Jonathan. He didn't come home till Monday. Grrrr. But things are ok now. Today he came home from work early because he hurt himself and drunk a gallon of wine in 2 hours. That's why I'm at the library, because my mom had to get away from him.
Well that's about everything. Till next time ppls! lol

feeling bad

I feel bad. Today a friend asked if I would watch his iPod Touch. I said I would, but warned him that I might forget so he might want to take it with him. Well he didn't and I got distracted and someone stole it. He said it's ok, that it's his fault for bringing it, but I still feel bad. And my depression flared up from missing Josh. And it didn't help that I really wanted to cut myself because of the iPod thing.
On a brighter note I'm running for freshman class pesident. Idk why I signed up. But maybe I'll win. That's all I feel like writing for now.

eh idk

Nothing much to report today. I went to a party Friday but it was a supervised birthday/Halloween affair. My brother was really grossing me out, as he got back together with Mandy (ugh) and they were French-kissing all over the place. And he has a disgusting nick-name for her, sexy thing. EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Mandy was also having some sort of breakdown or something and it turns out her cousin likes to cut herself, among other things. Speaking of cutting on the way to that party we passed Josh's house. That so did not help my mood. It just made that ache in my chest worse. God I miss him. But my mood did get better once we got there, as there was this really funny boy there. He just made me laugh a lot and everytime the smoke machine came on was like "Whoever has that needs to share." lol. I can't wait to see him again. Although I would give anything to see Josh again.

Luke Bryan/Jonathan

Life is bearable right now. I'm not particularly happy but, eh, who honestly is? Although I still have some excitement in me over seeing Luke Bryan at Wal-Mart yesterday. He was there for an autograph signing since he was doing a concert in his hometown of Leesburg later that night. The signing started at 4 and my mother had us there at 2. We were third in line. What fun I had standing in line for 2 hours. Not. But it was ok since I got to talk to my friend Jonathan most of the time.
Jonathan is a guy I met through text messaging about a month before I met Josh. Unfortunatly he stopped texting for about a month so I forgot about him. Might I also mention he has a big crush on me? Last night I forwarded him a rate me thing on our phones and he rated me "hottttz", "sexxxy", and "i wanna date you". It flattered me but... I still like Josh. But it's nice to have someone to talk to in Josh's absence. In fact Josh was posing as my boyfriend one time when Jonathan was texting me making it so we would be just friends. I wish Josh was my boyfriend. But I'm dealing with it. I guess that's it for now. (I still miss him so much!!!!!!)

Missin Josh/Fall Break

Well you know how I talk to Josh about my feelings and depression? Well I can't for a while because he got his dumb ass arrested and put in jail. Man I miss him so bad. You just don't know how much I depend on him. Now I have to wait till the end of the month to talk to him again. Damn. But it's getting better. But some days I just miss him so much especially when I'm wanting to cut. And no I haven't. It's just so hard not to sometimes. One day I almost did. I had a sharp kitchen knife in my hand because I was cutting some cheese and I was so tempted to just start slicing. But I didn't. In fact as of Thursday it has been one month since I stopped cutting. I wish I could have been here so I could have told him. But it's still a struggle.
Anyway right now I'm on fall break. I'm so happy I don't have school. I mean I like school but even the geeks need a break. The past few days I've been spending the night at my friend Becca's house. We had fun going to church (where I got to hug her chrush and ex-crush) and then getting my cousin and playing Wii Fit all day Thursday. And I lost weight. Score. I'm glad. Too bad I'll probably gain it back because I've been binge eating like no tomorrow in the absence of Josh. But I guess it's better than carving myself up with razor blades. :/

Update

Omg, I'm worried about Josh. It's not as bad as it was before because his mom just texted me and told me he will explain later. But I haven't heard from him in days. You must know how much I rely on him for help with my problems. I need to know. Being in the dark does not bode well with me. God, please let me find out soon.
Well an update on me since it's been a while. Things are ok I guess. I haven't cut, which is good, although I've wanted to and have been crying a LOT lately. I don't get it. Oh and Josh got back with Stepany, his ex. Ugh. And he ran away, but I think something's happened because his mom texted me. But when he ran away I was talking to him and I swear he said this out of no where, "I love you sara". He said that and I had only told him I wish I was with him. Of course I told him it back, because it's true. I love him.
Oh and Mike's up to his old tricks with me since my mom kicked out my cousin and her mother (it's a long story, all you need to know is they are now our next-door neighbors). Yeah he was starting with me because I went for a walk and changed my mind about where I was going. I fully told my brother and mom, but nooooo, he seems to think I'm a slut and went out to whore around. And it all accumulated into me telling him he's not my daddy and I'm not going to listen to him. Then my mom told me to walk to the store so I wouldn't do something I was going to regret (and by regret like hurting mike, as I'm not going to cut if I can help it because I don't want to lose Josh), and she would come get me (she was in town).
Well that's about it. ttyl. lol

My Heart

God for some reason my freaking heart is hurting. Idk why. It just does. This morning on the bus I wanted so bad to hurt myself. Thank God I was on the bus, or I would have. Idk what is wrong... I just feel hopeless and honestly a little suicidal. There are only a very few reasons that I haven't offed myself yet.
On a more bubbly note I'm so gonna beat Josh's ass. He didn't really even do anything, I'm just going to. The only thing he did was get high last night and not inviting me. Lol. It was so funny. Lol. I need to watch my heart because he might very well just steal it.

Actually Happy

I'm happy right now. I've mentioned Josh before. He just makes me so happy. I'm even trying to stop cutting myself for him. We're just friends... for now (his words I SWEAR), but I like him and he makes me smile. In fact I'm going to see him today. He wants to see me and I'm dying to see him. :-) :-) :-). I'm so happy, although there is always a note of drama, as Corie is becoming more depressed. We're doing everything we can for her.

idk

I'm feeling kinda... weird. On one hand I'm so happy. I met this incredibly cute, nice boy (sorry if I mentioned this before. I can't remember and I'm too lazy to look. :-P) who I like a lot. He even asked me for my number, I didn't have to ask if he wanted it. Unfortunately he has a girlfriend who I think I inevitably broke up. She was jealous that he was talking to me, just because I'm a girl. And like a dumbass I freaked and just think made it worse because I was feeling like it was my fault and made him have to comfort me. But also I was having one of my periodical breakdowns, so I can explain why I was acting that way. But also that night I told my cousin something that made us both cry. I told her back in May when my mom's boyfriend started really bad and started cutting again, that if she hadn't had been there I would have killed myself. I was that depressed. That was a low even for me.
And last night her mom was starting really bad, and she pointed at me and said "I'm sorry I'm not perfect like her!" That made me feel terrible. And as a result, I carved the word "LOVE" into my leg. It's not pretty.
Anyway back to *him*. I like him A LOT. And I just found out that he broke his wrist by punching a wall because his girlfriend dumped him or made him mad or something. But today I was telling how much he means to me. I just don't know what to do.

Upbeat

I'm feeling upbeat right now because of some music I'm listening to ("Whatever You Like", by T.I.). Still struggling with my low self-esteem, but a little lifted since it turns out I've lost about 15-20 lbs since the last time I went to the doctor's. I found this out when I went to the doctor yesterday for my sore throat (which turns out to be infected with a possible strep infection), and when they weighed me I was like "Whoa, I use to weigh ___ and now I weigh ___." (:-P you're not finding out my weight). But I almost had an anxiety attack because they have to take my blood pressure and they use my left arm.
Guess what I have on my left arm? Yeah, scars. Although I haven't cut in almost a week. Scratched myself, but not an actual cut. Lucky for me the nurse didn't notice.
Today I wanted to cut really bad, but I didn't. I can't help but think it's going to happen again. My depression just seems to get worse and worse. I can't help it. My cousin helps, but when I see how happy she is with her boyfriend, I get so jealous and think, "Why can't a boy love me like that? Why am I always alone?" I don't know what to do.

Let's Go

God ppl need to leave me and my friends alone. There's this girls last night who was texting my cousin's boyfriend, saying she wanted to do him. Then we started texting them to back off. And one is a lesbo. Nice. Can't stand ppl like that.
Also today these creepy guys were looking at me and my cuz. They obviously liked what they saw. They were creepy. On some level I was flattered, because I'm not use to boys looking at me. But mostly I'm mad. If ppl want to go, let's go. I'll beat their asses.

Stupid Shit

God my mom's boyfriend needs to get a job. And fast. He was suppost to go to Florida. But he don't want to go cuz we're trying to sell this piece of crap car. He seems to think my mom is incompetent. I can't stand him.
Also my cousin's mom keeps starting with her over stupid stuff. Taking her phone away cuz she can. Might I add she only does it when she's drinking. Last night this happened. I couldn't help what I did. Now my leg is scarred up and it hurts when I move it. But I felt so bad for my cuz, like somehow it's my fault. I need help.
And my mom pisses me off too. Sunday she took my brother to the library (which is the only time I get on the computer) and didn't tell me she was going. She said to looked like I wasn't interested (SHE DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME!!!!!!!!!), cuz I went for a walk. If she didn't have to go to see her probation officer, we wouldn't have went today. I'm sick of all this shit I put up with.

Depressed Feelings

Clubs at school are recruiting. I think there is some contest between the clubs to see how many students join what. I think I'm going to join Skills USA. The dues are pretty good and you get to take trips, so it sounds good. I'm also probably going to be tutoring math students. Idk how I got sucked into that.
My friend who happens to be a boy is going to a different school in about two weeks. And you know my cousin told him I liked him and asked if he liked me. He does, but only as a friend. And I feel like I'm the cause of him moving (I think I have a guilt complex). Because he knows I like him. And he will never like me like that. He likes my cousin. What a surprise. No boy will ever like me or love me. I'm going to grow old and die alone. If I live to grow old.
Some good news is that my mom's boyfriend is going to work in Florida for three months next week. You know he's the reason that I started cutting myself on a regular basis again. I was getting better. But no. He started one day, and I snapped and now I haven't been able to stop. When I found out that my friend didn't like me I cut deeper than I usually do. It bled. A lot. And I did it, not so much because he rejected me, but just the fact I was rejected. I've been rejected so much in life by so many people I just can't take anymore. But hopefully it will get better. I just got to remember God helps those who helps their selves.

School

I love going to school. Even though my school is not the best in the world, at least I'm in school. I have so much fun when I'm in school. Not only do boys actually like me (I hope), my teachers do too. Right now my school work is easy too. Today in my world history (I'm in there with only one other freshman. The other 30 students are sophomores) girl thought I was Mexican or mixed because of my black hair. I finally told her that my hair is dyed.
I have now painted my nails black, to match my now black hair. I redyed my hair last night (damn roots), and got dye everywhere. At least it came off.
My depression, despite my brief happiness at school, still isn't much better. I still cut myself, despite my cousin's best efforts. I even did last night for no real reason. I had been pretty happy all day too. I hope it will get better, but I don't know what to do.

Feel Better

Well I feel better now. School has started and that has help my mood and my self-esteem. I say self-esteem because there are a lot of boys at my school that like me. Well, they like looking at my butt, but still. They do like me.
My home life ain't much better though. My mom's boyfriend is still a dick. And I still cut myself. But my cousin is with me a lot to keep me from doing it anymore (but when you have a boyfriend and a short attention span like her she can't watch me all the time). She's (supposedly) stopped cutting herself. But it's really hard to stop. But because I'm back in school I won't have much of a chance to and I won't want to because I'll be happier. At school. I plan to stay out of the house a lot more often.
I'm not in the mood to really write much today. I also don't have much else to write about except my cousin can hardly walk because of these HUGE blisters she got on her feet last night because she was walking everywhere with no shoes on.
Also I went to this concert and these two boys were hitting on my cousin and me, and this boy from my school named Charles (who I'm surprised even remembers who I am, and who I don't really like that much because, although he's cute, is kinda weird. And not like me weird, but... Well idk. Just strange.), and he was leaving the concert and I was going back in and he said "Hey Sara, you going back to Terrell this year?" I responded "Yeah, are you?" And he said yes. That was weird. Why does he care? I'll update on this matter at another time (not that anyone apparently cares, but whatever).

Life Sucks So Bad

My life has not gotten much better since the last time I blogged. That asshloe still hates us. But at least I've got a new guy friend who is really cute. Too bad my cuz likes him and he likes her. Why do all the boys I like never like me back? Probably because of the way I look. Boys tend to not like fat girls.
But I'm use to it. But it don't help my depression. Sometimes I wish I was dead. And not over a boy but over all the messed up crap that is my life.

Tired

God, I'm so tired. Today I had to get up at five in the morning so I could earn $20. Too bad my mom's boyfriend is too lazy to work and most of what I've earned is going to buying food. Oh and one of my birthday gifts is being returned too. My life sucks ass.
I'm more depressed than before. My mom's boyfriend started again. He called me a very bad word for a part of a female's body that starts with a "c". My cousin was going to kick his ass. It's a good (or bad from my point of view) thing her mom was in the way.
No wonder I cut myself.
So not only am I tired because of my day of work, I'm also emotionally tired from the psychological abuse from the hands of my mom's boyfriend.
I wish I could run away. Too bad I don't have anywhere to go or way to survive. Being dead seems more and more appealing everyday.

Life is a B$*^#@

Sometimes life is easy. Sometimes it's hard.
But what do you do when it's a stright up b$*@# all the time? I think I've mentioned before how I live with an alchoholic. Well my suspitions about how he hates every girl he can't sleep with is pretty much confirmed. He can't stand me and my cousin because he can't have us.
The other night he started crap with us and I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to kill myself because of him. It's a good thing I wasn't alone to long or I might have. I did do quite a number on my arm though. I feel bad about that now. My brother saw what I did. I'm glad that he didn't tell my mom. I know that I need help but I can't talk to my mom. I just can't. So I talk to you, a bunch of strangers. But at least I'm talking. That's more than what some do.
And before you judge me for cutting myself, try walking a mile in my shoes. It's not a cry for attention, or anything. There's a reason you hide it. But sometimes you've got to do something to relive stress, and it's better than hurting someone else. But you should read up on it. I have. I know I shouldn't do it, but it's hard not to. It's addictive.
That's all I have to say for now.

Nothing in Particular

Well, I don't have much to blog about today (not that it matters, considering that no one reads it, but whatever). Mostly all I have to talk about is how my friend finally got the cell phone she wanted. So hopefully she will leave me alone about it now. It's a nice phone. It slides and has a keyboard. But I'm just kinda glad to have a phone.
She's an only child and spoiled. She's use to getting whatever she asks for. But she is my best friend and the person I think I love most in the world (yes, even more than my family. If you had to live with them you would understand.)
My depression isn't getting any better. I feel like it's getting worse. Sometimes it gets so hard to control it. I've even started doing things that would get me sent to therapy for sure if my mom found out (no, I'm not hurting animals or other people).
I wish I had my own computer. It sucks that I have to wait to go to the library to use the flipping computer.
Well that's about it. I guess that I'll blog again when I get the chance, for those of you who actually read my blog.

Love, and How it Sucks.

Well in my time away from my blog I have in a effect have had 2 boyfriends within the space of one month, both of whom dumped me for no real reason. The first I met through my friend. He was nice and sweet. But it turns out he was only he was using me (and for you pervs out there I DID NOT sleep with him. But what he wanted was along those lines. And it was a long distance kind of thing so I didn't do anything else either :-P). But it hurt me when he dumped me. He supposedly caught swine flu and had to "worry" about his health and he didn't want that to be a burden on me (yeah right). Well, recently I discovered what I always thought. He was just using me to get what he wanted. I found this out because he was trying to get the same thing out of my friend, and she kept saying no. She got mad when he kept bothering her so she said something like "You don't care about me and you say you won't talk to me anymore if i don't send them," (he had been saying that) "because you're selfish. The only reason you broke up with Sara was because she wouldn't anymore." And he said something like "Yeah, so?"
That sent me into a level of pissed off/depression I've never been in before in my life. Yeah, so now it hurts to think about him.
And my 2nd boyfriend, well I met through the same friend (maybe I shouldn't date boys she knows). He didn't use me but i got even closer to him (No, I didn't sleep with him either) because we talked so much and got know each other so well. I belive he did care about me. But then he broke up with the day before my birthday because he didn't want me to suffer through his "terrible" life. Yeah, what a birthday gift. And that so helpped my depression. Not.
But I'm trying to forget those losers.
There are some very nice prospects in my future, especially when school starts again (July 31, ugh).

Haven't been on in a while.

Wow. I can't remember the last time I posted. I feel like this is one of the many (as in 100) diaries I've had that I just all of a sudden stopped writing in. But I'm back hopefully to stay (who knows, maybe someone, ANYONE, would actually take an intrest in my trivial life. though to me it's not trivial. if some of you had to put up with what I do, you would have killed yourselves already). But so much has happened since last December. The small things being finishing the Twilight saga and having a change in intrests. The bigger things being new friends, changing what my hair looks like, passing the 8th grade with flying colors, turning 15, and getting a summer roommate. I look at my old post and think "Wow, I sound stupid," but when looking at this I think "Wow, I sound stupid."
Anyway what's done is done. I still won't be able to post as often as I want (no home computer) but hopfully when my school starts on July 31st (yes I know, that sucks) I'll probably get to post at least every week day.
At least life isn't as boring as it used to be. I'm now (and for some time actually) the proud owner of a cell phone that doesn't suck. But I'm sadder than I use to be. Like you know how I mention that I have 7 cats in my profile? Not any more. All except one died (and the one that's still alive doesn't live with me). And lots of things have been going on. Like I moved to a even smaller hick town. At least I live in town now though. And I live with a certified alcoholic. Yeah, not an easy life. At least now I've got a friend I can really talk to (my roommate), even if her time here is growing short (thank God for text messaging). Well that's about it. I'll try to post again as soon as I can, for those of you who care.