Upbeat

I'm feeling upbeat right now because of some music I'm listening to ("Whatever You Like", by T.I.). Still struggling with my low self-esteem, but a little lifted since it turns out I've lost about 15-20 lbs since the last time I went to the doctor's. I found this out when I went to the doctor yesterday for my sore throat (which turns out to be infected with a possible strep infection), and when they weighed me I was like "Whoa, I use to weigh ___ and now I weigh ___." (:-P you're not finding out my weight). But I almost had an anxiety attack because they have to take my blood pressure and they use my left arm.
Guess what I have on my left arm? Yeah, scars. Although I haven't cut in almost a week. Scratched myself, but not an actual cut. Lucky for me the nurse didn't notice.
Today I wanted to cut really bad, but I didn't. I can't help but think it's going to happen again. My depression just seems to get worse and worse. I can't help it. My cousin helps, but when I see how happy she is with her boyfriend, I get so jealous and think, "Why can't a boy love me like that? Why am I always alone?" I don't know what to do.