I Get Too Lazy with this Thing

Look here. It's November already. Almost Thanksgiving. It's been a month and a half since I last posted. God I'm lazy. Then again, I haven't been to the library too much lately. Whatever.
Jeremiah has drifted more. He said we can't be friends at all and ignores me at school, save to text me what is for lunch. It hurts seeing him, since I still feel something for him. But I ignore it and avert my gaze... but can't help but look for him. I know that's tormenting myself, but I can't help it. I miss him. He was the best guy I was ever with. I just wish I meant as much to him. I still wish he had dumped me that Friday instead of the Monday. Because that Saturday in between is what made my liking grow into something more. And then he tells me we don't feel like a couple. Bull. But I'm depressing myself talking about this.

School has been bearable. I'm in student council as secretary if I haven't mentioned that before. Yay. I went to the first meeting this week. It wasn't that bad. I just need to type the notes (oh hell, I forgot them.). I don't want to focus on school too much while writing but will update a little further. I have a 97 average as of my last report card. Good for me. I'm in WIA, so I'm getting paid for that (although my mom takes all my money). Mrs. Harvey and Mrs. Rountree have paid my FBLA dues, so that's taken care of, and I will be passing out meals on Thanksgiving (not that it matters, we're not really celebrating). I have the next week off from school... We'll see how that goes.

I've been spending more time on Facebook than ever before. It's like my life-line. I created an account seperate from my other one. I write a lot on it when I want to cut (almost two weeks clean. Ever since Jeremiah decided he didn't care, I started again, but stopped for a reason I'll tell you about in a minute). I have met so many nice people, people that I care about. Like Ashley/Lexie/Adrianna (mpd). I love her like a sister, even if she seems like an attention seeking bitch sometimes. I have to remember that she hasn't told me everything yet, so I continue to support her. And David. The sweet Irish boy who really has a thing for me, but is blood bound to another girl. Did that stop us from having cybersex? Nope. He started it, and I didn't really like it. But you know me, I live to please. But it's been a while, so I'm hoping he'll let that drop. And Anthony. The one that honestly means the most to me. He's my best friend. We actually met through Ashley, when trying to cheer her up with randomness. I like Anthony. A lot. It might be even something stronger than liking, but I will not tell him that. He said he didn't want to hurt me like that. I agreed. But he promised to always be there if he could. He even gave me his cell number. I changed my text plan just so I could text him. I promised him I'd stop cutting. Not becasue he asked, but because he didn't. He even said he understood if I broke. I quit smoking for him too, even though he didn't ask. He's even learning a song on his guitar for me. How I wished we lived close. I hope one day to go see him. I really do.

I guess I could recount all the horrible things my mom's been doing (like spending all our money and taking my WIA pay) or the terrible things I've been thinking. Or I could leave on a happy note. I think I'll do the latter. See ya.

PS: I am trying to not have anything to do with Josh anymore. Yay for finally seeing the light.

stupid life

I have a cold again. I had one last month too. Jeremiah had given me that one. Idk who gave me this one. I'm miserable. Jeremiah broke up with me last week on Sept 27th... I hate it. And he found out from Corie that I cut, so now he says he can't talk to me until he has "proof" that I stopped.
I also did something really bad this weekend. I had a one night stand with this boy named Bubba. And I don't feel the least bit guilty, either. I don't have mush time, so I'll type more later.

Really Long Update

Ok so much has happened since my last post on here. God I've been really lazy. Well first off me and John broke up in June over some really stupid shit. Oh well, if he likes Sirena Pearson more than me, that's him. Just to take me to Cheehaw Park and leave me alone and go off with her while telling me that he still loved me is pretty low down. I cried the whole day (I was going through a depressive stage). And he dumped me the next day. Nice. I couldn't let go either. Not for a week... That is until something really unexpected happened. Can you guess what it was?
Josh texted me. That's right. The one who disappeared out of my life for months on end. He texted me with a new number and said he missed me. Appearantly he had been in jail and him and Tiffany had broke up but he hadn't had my number. Well we talked on and off for a week or too. Then one day at McDonald's my mom said that she wouldn't care if Josh came to stay with us again. I was floored. I immediately texted him and told him. He couldn't believe it either. And a few days later he wanted to know if she was serious. I told him that she was. He wanted to come back. And he did. The day after I turned 16. But things were different.
He was different. At first he was the same. Wanted sex. Made me want it. But then he started getting distant. Not wanting sex or anything really. I was weirded out. And it all finally accumulated in a big fight where he told me that he didn't love me like that and that he knew it was wrong to use me for sex when he knew what it did to me. I was heartbroken. AGAIN. I hated that he did that... Then. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Then came Hannah.
Hannah is the reason Josh is not in school anymore. She lives in Warner Robins and her parents don't like Josh. She starts coming to get him to take with her to WR for a few days. Before they went, they always had to make a big show of PDA and even had sex in my house, in my brother's room. That hurt. And even Josh said he thought she only wanted him for sex (hmmm.. who else had he said that about? oh, yeah, me.) Well one night him, Hannah, and his "sister" (not really) show up at our house with Hannah's car, saying they might stay a few days. This is weird since Josh said he'd probably be gone for about a month. Well we hung out while Hannah passed out from drinking (Josh's quote "I'm sick of her always being under my ass, let her pass out and we'll go somewhere.") So we did, and came home and went to bed. Well the next day Josh and his "sister" go to visit Nuk B (weed dealer). They come back mighty quick... with cops in tow. Josh runs in the door, says there are cops here, and runs out the back door. The cops come in looking for him, guns drawn and everything. My mom is surprised. What's going on is appearantly Hannah had ran away and they were trying to say Josh kiddnapped her. Right. I'm so sure. I hate Hannah.
Well Josh ran, but they caught him and off to jail he went. We then had to take his sister home (Hannah was supposed to go to juvie, but turns out she didn't....grrrr), and take Josh's stuff to his mom. I got his mom's number and we started texting a lot. We're now really good friends. In fact I usually stay weekends with her cuz I can visit Josh on Saturdays and I'll spend the night and she gets me cigarettes (bad, I know). I like Miss Mary.

Well after he got arrested, I was really depressed, but I did stop cutting (as of this writing I'm at 28 days). Then school started and that bummed me out cuz Josh wanted to be here for that. And what should happen that a new boy from Webster County should be a Junior here this year, and happens to be a friend of Kayla's. His name is Jeremiah. I met him the second day but was afraid to say anything... But then I texted Keon and told him that I thought that Jeremiah was cute (well, I said I liked him but I meant he was cute). Well Keon goes on to tell Kayla, who then tells Jeremiah. Then Kayla tells me to text a number and say it's me. Turns out it was Jeremiah. We talk and he wants to know if it's true that I said that. I tell him yes. He says he wants to get to know me more, so we start texting a lot, and seeing each other and talking as much as we can during school (which is a lot considering we're in different grades). We start getting really close.
One day we were walking down the hall together (the rumors about dating had already started), and he mentions going out to eat. I say "Lucky! I never get to go out." He's like "Well, you can go with me." I mention my money issue, and he says he'd pay. I kinda argue but he wins. He comes to get me Friday (the 10th) and we go to San Joe's, then Dollar General, then Mickey D's for dessert (yes a real redneck date but idc lol), then out to his step-grandma's. And finally he shows me his house. And he takes me home... We hold hands while he was driving :). Then we get to my house, he goes in, meets my mom, and goes home. No, we didn't kiss, but I'm still happy.

Well he then goes to a youth summit at Rock Eagle for the weekend. We text a lot and I notice he changed his signature to "di que si" which is Spanish. I had to get someone to translate it for me since he wouldn't, and it means "tell me yes". I wanted to know what to say yes to, and he said wait till I see you Tuesday (that was his birthday). That annoyed me a little but I dealt with it. Then I changed my signature to "si" or "yes". He was that and said he wanted to ask me something (this was Sunday, the 12th). What he asked me was "quieres ser mi novia?" which means "will you be my girlfriend?" (I had to get it translated, again). Of Course I said si. I was so happy. And he started calling me babe and I get to see him so much. It feels right. I'm happy.

So this is the update I've been promising for so long.

Dear Life, I Hate You

I really wish I knew why I even try anymore. I really do. Every thing is going to shit. I don't want to deal with it anymore.

Yes, I am lazy

Yeah, yeah. I haven't posted in a while. Boo hoo. I'm too lazy to type that much right now. Just to let ya know, me and John are fine, I have a sinus/ear infection, and I want to hurt my brother. Nothing new. Ttyl.

Oh Well

Well, me and Corie aren't friends anymore. Boo hoo. I'm done with her and her William bullshit. He texted me, threatening me and cussing me out, because he thought I had given a boy named Kevin Corie's number. No. Corie wanted Kevin's number so she could get that boy named Charles' number. That is bull and I told him so. After he finally left me alone I asked Corie what the fuck was William's problem? She didn't get the text till yesterday. And she gets all mad cuz I was "cussing at her". She cussed at me, she always has. She says "fuck" at least 3 times a sentence. How can she talk? And I told her that you would have been pissed too if some boy you don't like did that.

Then she continued to get mad and told me to delete her off Facebook and Myspace. Ok. And delete her number. Ok (I didn't, I need to know if she ever texts me again, but it's last in my contfacts). Then she said she guessed that we can't be friends anymore. Ok. I think it made her mad when I didn't get upset or beg for her friendship. I don't need her. She needs me. She admitted that I'm the only person she has to talk to in between cussing me out. I'm just waiting to see when she texts me saying sorry. She always does. Every magor fight she always apologises. And I always forgive her.

I won't this time though. If she comes groveling back (especially if her and William don't last), I'm going to tell her that she officailly blew it. I'm tired of her. I did tell her before we stopped texting completely that I hope William is worth it.

And I don't think he is. He's mean. He's nasty and cruel. And ugly too. He hits her too hard when he's "playing", even leaving bruises. When she ends up pregnant and alone or beaten and alone, or both, that she realizes just how much she screwed up her own life. I don't think she had really any true friends, except me. Everyone either doesn't live here or they got into fights. Or they don't like William.

And she then lied on me to my "friend" Kayla. She downplaid her and William's involvement (I think. But most likely), and made me the villian, saying I cussed her and that she had a quick temper. So I'm not allowed to get angry and cuss? Only "special" Corie? No. I told Kayla about her, and forwarded her William's message. She changed her tune some then.

Anyway, enough on those losers. My weekend was great. Friday John and Robyn (his sister and my brother's girlfriend), went to Six Flags. We couldn't go, but we will in June. But then we got to see them Saturday, and it was great. I love having alone time with John. Then Sunday, Mother's Day, they went to church with us (my mom, me, and my brother), then we got to go to thier house and stay till 10! I don't know how that happened. I hope they didn't get in trouble...

Anyway, after hanging out all day again, late that night, before my mother came to get us, me and John were spooning on his couch and he was sleepy (been up since 5 that morning, you can guess why) and so was I. He laid his head on the side of my face and fell asleep that way. I fell asleep too. We were watching Titanic. I loved it. Too bad my mom showed and woke us up. I love him so much... And before we fell asleep I got Robyn to take a picture of us kissing. It's so cute.

I guess that's all for now.

Nothin' Much

Tired. But I'm in high spirts. I'm listening to Eminem's "Lose Yourself", which is one of my new favorite songs. On top of the fact that I've got to see John the last two days in a row (Wednesday and Thursday) and I hope I get to see him today. We're trying to see if me and Bubba can spend the night, since my mom is going out tonight and wants to leave us somewhere. It's either their house or Diane's, my mom's counin. I would really rather be at his house. But even if I don't, I'm going to see him tomorrow because he's going to take me fishing with him and his sister and her bf.

I just hope I get to see him tonight. It all depends on if Louis (John's stepdad) says ok.

Well, that's all for now I guess.

Ehhhhhh.....

Well I don't know if I've ever mentioned him before, but Charles is back. Ehhhh. He's a boy in my grade that's always been a pain, in a way. He can be ok sometimes, but usually he's a jerk. He was supposed to have left for Webster county and not come back. But appearntly he got in trouble and came back here. Great. I was hoping that my friend Willard had been joking when he said he saw Charles in the office yesterday. I guess not. Dammit.
I mean Charles is usually nice to my friend Kayla, but kinda iffy to me. Like today he was ok enough, but I think he made a pass at my weight, but tried to say he was talking about my intellegence. Right.

But I'm not going to let it bother me too much. I have a guy who likes me for me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I, or anyone, else says. I just wish everyone, including me, could be that way. But we're not so we've got to deal with it. On the note of John, I hope I get to see him tonight. I got to remember to call around 4 and ask if he can go to shurch with me tonight.

Man, they're going to be dismatling Revolution (which is what the teen church on Wednesdays is called) as I've known it for the past year. They're going to be completly splitting up the big group of middle- and highschoolers. For right now, we meet at the church and usually have to big message and then go to our respective small groups (seperated on gender and whether you're in high- or middle school). But now they say ,starting in June, that the small groups are going to split completly and just meet at someone's house on different days of the week. No more meeting at the church. Ugh. I'm sorry but I'm not going to that so I'm going to stop going when the new system starts. But till then I'm going to enjoy Revolution.

I also go on Sundays to the Pointe (the church's name), and I take John with me. Last Sunday I was having bladder problems, where I felt like I have to pee even when I don't and it's really uncomfortable and I only get relief in the bathroom. If anyone reads this, could you give me some ideas as to what is causing this? Thanks.

I guess this is all for now. Who knows I might post something else next period (yes, I'm in school. Ha). See ya.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Yes! I figured out how to finally get on here on the school's computers! Dumbass sdministration! Too bad they'll probably find out what site I used and just block it too... but untill then HA! I could also get on Facebook, if I wanted, but it's not very secure so I'm not trusting it... This I don't care as much about, especially since I have no one reading this.

:) I'm just happy to have a little bit more freedom at school. I mean I just suffered through my Math 1 EOCT (End of Course Test), which was probably some of the most boring hours of my life. I thought my brian was turning to mush. And I HATE math. But it's still not as bad as what John's going through. According to him, his tests, the CRCTs (I'm not sure what it stands for), have 300 questons. EACH. That's way more than I've ever had. Poor baby (shut up. He is my baby).

Anyway, I don't have much to say, since I just updated yesterday. Peace.

God, I've Been Lazy

Wow, almost a month since my last post (not that it MATTERS, no one reads this). So much as happened. First off Dillion (or Blake or whatever you want to call him) stopped talking to me so I guess that means we're over...so sad. Not. I have someone new and BETTER. And guess what? He lives only 10 minutes away. I've seen him every weekend since we started going out a few weeks ago. His name is John <3 and he's with all honesty the best boyfriend I've ever had, and he's only 13. He treats me well and I think he fell in love with me when he first saw me. Anyway I'm not going to get all obsessive and devote all of this post to my new boyfriend.

Oh, Jef got locked on the hospital for going psycho and cutting himself and other, even grosser stuff that I do not wish to disclose. He was in there for about 3 weeks. He's now out and has his own place. Yay. Only downside is that he wants things to be like they were before I started dating John. They're not. He's always trying to talk to me like he did before and doesn't seem to get that I don't want to. It feels wrong. John's the only one I feel that way about now. I'm just too chicken shit to tell him...maybe I should call him soon and tell him (he got a phone and I have the number, I just haven't called him yet). Eh, hopefully I'll figure this out. I mean he still feels like my best friend, in a way. I mean he's the only one I've told about some things about my relationship (I'll let you mull that around your head for a while). I don't know what to do. Plus I haven't been feeling that great so it's harder. But I will survive. I guess.

Oh, I had to get a new phone a few weeks ago, so I lost EVERYTHING on my old one. The old one just cut off on me all of a sudden and wouldn't turn back on right. It would just show a black screen with the Verizon Wireless logo on it and would do nothing else. Ugh. Good thing I still had my warrenty. They replaced it for free. The only thing that wasn't a major pain was replacing my phone numbers. I'm so smart I actually thought to WRITE THEM DOWN somewhere. Yes, actual WRITING. Shocker. Well, this is boring now so I guess I'll wrap it up for now.

Oh, one more thing. I cut ONCE a few weeks ago, a few days after starting to date John. ONCE. But I still have the scars due to the fact I used double-edged razors. But hopefully I'm recovering since I haven't had an urge since. Hopefully.

I'm Lazy

Too lazy to type...I do have a lot to write though, just don't feel like typing...did cut again. Damn.

Thank God for FB

I'm too tired to type much. It doesn't matter if I do. NO ONE reads it. But I'll just say I'm feeling better. All I can say is THANK GOD for Facebook.

Therapy

Ugh life sucks so much... but that doesn't mean that I hate life...I'm just tired of life. It drains me a little more everyday. I can't handle it. A little more and I really might go off myself somehow. But the thing is... I don't want to die. The little pleasures I really do enjoy... but the pain is in control most of the time. I'm tired of the never ending mood swings, my mom's bitchiness, the pain, the hurt, the tears, the worthlessness, the self-injury, the seemingly never ending cycle of slight happiness followed by the hate and pain. And not hate for anyone else...the hate for myself. I hate myself. Everything bad is my fault. So I have to do something to make up for the pain that those I love feel. Sometimes I don't eat, but usually I just slice myself up.

I wish I could talk to my therapist about this.

Oh yeah, I'm in thearapy now. Today was my first session. I did get a lot out, but I can't tell her about the most prominent thing right now, the cutting. She said basic stuff she couldn't tell my mom about, but she can tell her about if I'm hurting myself, so I'm out fucking luck there. But I did get some of the steam out, and some tears. God I hate crying. But at least my eyes look green now. Of course I feel bad again now, cuz my mom can't go fucking 5 minutes without bitching about something, this time the Blockbuster movies we still haven't rreturned. "Why don't you ever help me remember?!" Good God mom, I would think you would remember, since you sleep about 12 hours a day, don't work, just sit around every GD day, while I barely sleep, have school, and many other things to do. God I'm really tired too. I wish I could sleep. But I'm staying up. I have to. I'm worried about Jef... I want to make sure he's going to be ok. Plus when I sleep the memories I try to not let out escape. Then I get depressed again. Well, even more depressed than I was, since depressed is my habitual emotion.

I'm getting quiet again... I worry when I'm like this cuz even I'm not sure of what I might do. I got like this back in January, when I started cutting regularly again. When I'm like this I think too much... too much about hurt and death. My death. Yes, I'm slightly suicidial. That I did not tell to my therapist. I can't, I'll be committed. But I doubt I'll do anything, unless things get progressivly worse. Then I might get that gun of Mike's and put it to some long awaited use. Or see how deep that razor can go. Or see how many pain killers it will take to permantly kill my pain... But for now I think I'm going to be alright. I won't kill myself just yet.

Revelation

I was just reading all my old posts and realized that this blog has basically been my depression/love life/self injury diary. And the sad part is that I can't stop being who I am. I will always give my heart away too easily, love like no tomorrow, love Josh (as stupid as that is), hate Mike, and not get along with my mother. If I ever kill myself maybe they'll come across this and understand why better.

WTF?

Life sucks. Life is cruel. Why do I even give a shit anymore? It seems that everyone I every loved or cared about has hurt or left me at some point, even if they came back... Josh has left. I'm going to have to accept that fact and move on with my life... He's living with Tiffany... I hate her. Then thinking he'd come to see me. How stupid... At least I have some solstice... A new friend that makes it a little easier... He suffers with the same problems (which reminds me I hate his "best friend" too...) I do. He makes me feel better. Too bad he's 23 years older than me and lives in Missouri. Life is a bitch.
Well I cut again last night and today... Damn almost made it a month too. I now have the word "LIFE" on my leg to keep "LOVE" company, along with a star on the other leg and some regular cuts, along with the ones on my arms. I can't believe no one has noticed... I even was doing it with my brother in the room, but of course he was too busy playing video games... Everyone is always too busy... I think I might try to OD, just to see if anyone would notice in time to save me. Seriously doubt it. I did have an appointment with Dr. Nadu, my psychiatrist. He is now sending me to threapy. I will only talk if my mom is not there, otherwise it will just be a waste of time.
Hmmm, my typing speed has declined.
Oh, now I do need to be careful about going deep when I cut, as now I have a new razor that is much sharper. The other one just wasn't cutting it (get it? Ha ha, shut up).
You know I don't even get why I write on this damn thing. Far as I can tell, no one reads it. But it's good I guess to get this all out somehow, other than my other methods... sigh, I'm going to be in so much trouble with Corie if she finds out, and Kayla. Shit why didn't I think before I pulled that shit again? Whatever, they can live with it. I'm not stopping now for anybody but me, not for anyone else again, and as of this writing, I don't want to stop. Let it kill me.

Please

Ugh life sucks. Not in the mood to type much... the only good thing that happended was having a 5 day weekend and seeing Darrin at church Sunday. And seeing Josh Saturday, but that's also why I'm depressed again. I'm missing him like a bitch. I wanted to see him for longer than a minute. At least when I hugged him I got to kiss his neck. He's so damn scared of tiffany and seeing him with her at Wal Mart broke my heart again. Please God, please do let him love me and come see me when he gets his car. Please.

Boys

Well I finally got the long overdue head examination that I've been trying to get my mom to get for me and my suspicions were correct: I have depression and anxiety problems. So he perscribed me some Lexaprol (and it's MINE, you can't heve it ha). Although I have been feeling better the last few days, except last night when I broke down because I started missing him really bad again. I just wanted him to hold me so bad...
Anyway Saturday I went to my friend Emma's birthday party with Rebecca and it was AWESOME. I got to hang out with this cute boy named Darrin. We talked a lot and hung out a good bit of the time. Like we locked them outside (Darrin and some other boys) and they climbed on this tree house thing and were standing out there and I went out there too after a while and we started talking again. He told me about Lee County schools and they sound so cool (I want to go there next year), then one of the boys left and me, Darrin and this other were laughed and the other boy said "Who wants a hug? Seriously I'm cold." So I was like I do and we started to huddle together when Darrin started pushing in saying "Hold on I'm cold too, let's huddle like penguins!" It was funny. He then said something like "Let's have a threesome." And I was shocked and backed away and the other boy left and as we were about to leave he said "I get the front :)" I was just like"...Seriously?" We then went and sat in this wrecked car to keep warm (me, Darrin, the other boy, and Emma), and when we got in I was next to Darrin and he found this black pillow thing and all of a sudden leaned towards me acting like he was going to kiss me saying "Let's make out." He is so crazy. Then we all talked, and then Emma left, so the three of us kept talking and then the other boy left and it was just me and Darrin. It then got akward. And he told me things he didn't trust to say around anyone else at the party. I felt special. He then left and came back, then we had to get out and go back in. Then we went back outside to the tree house thing with some kids phone and were up there huddled together listening to music. But then we got really cold so we went back in. Darrin then preceded to play this skateboard game on the PS2 that he'd been playing on and off all night (he wasn't that good, he kept dying lol) and I was on the couch behind him like I had been most of the night and after a few minutes turned around and told me to sit in the chair next to him :). Unfortunatly Becca's mom showed up so we had to leave and I went and spent the night there. That was the most fun I've had in a while. And Emma told me Darrin said he thought I was pretty. Yay! Although she also said he had been talking about this other girl -_-" Oh well, whatever happens, happens. But I do get to see him at church Wednesday :).
And Darrin's not the only boy in my life. Bernard has started texting me and he wants to date me. He said he LOVED me. How can he love me and he doesn't even know me? Ugh I don't want to date him but I can't be mean either. I don't know what to do... and he's coming over Saturday. *gulp* I hope this ends well...

Things are Worse

Since the last time things have gotten progressively worse. First off I started cutting again. 4 months down the freaking toilet. Ugh. And yes I know I said I never would again because Josh would never talk to me again. Well... that's the reason I did.
He got his girlfriend, Tiffany (I hate her), pregnant and now she won't let him talk to any girls. That is a load of caca de toro and he should know that. And I feel bad for him. Now he does not have just one but two kids on the way and that must be stressful (although I'm suspicious about Stephany's baby...), but I really need him and he said he'd be here and would never let me down. Also I love him so much, I cry almost everyday because this hurts so bad. But I did happen to see him at Wal-Mart (in Albany no less, which is weird because he lives in AME, and they have a Wal-Mart), just when I was about to completely give up, so I can't help but think it's a sign to not totally give up hope. I saw a comment today that sounds like what I should do, "I never stopped loving you, I just stopped showing it." Showing it hurts more, so it's easier to look numb. I don't know what to do. I mean I gave that boy my virginity and have loved him since I met him, so I just can't let him go yet.
Speaking of virginity, Rebecca found out I'm not a virgin (thanks Bubba), and had to allude to it somehow last night at church last night (grrr), going so far as trying to get everybody to tell if they're a virgin or not. She obviously has never been in a situation where that can happen and doesn't have those feelings. It's a lot harder to resist than I ever thought it would be and I knew about it all. I feel bad for her when she's in that situation. Oh well. And I got invited to Emma's b-day party Saturday so I gotta prepare for that, and also volunteered for stuff at the FBLA meeting (by the way I went to the competition and placed in both of my areas and can go to Atlanta if I can get the money [I'm not sure if I mentioned this before so I'm mentioning it now]).
Well this is all I feel like writing. It's starting to depress me.
Oh one more thing, my mom FINALLY made me an appointment with a psychiatrist, so yay. Although her bitching all the time (literally) isn't helping me.

Suck On "This"

Ugh, I'm sick again. Don't feel like typing today. Not that it matters. Apparently no one reads this anyway. Sometimes everything makes me sick. Suck on "this!"

Nothing Much

Well nothing much has happened in the few days it's been since I last posted. I got to miss school yesterday due to them closing it thinking the roads were going to freeze and it was going to be bad weather.
Yesterday was one of the nicest days I've seen in a while. Hee hee hee.
Still having trouble with my car anxiety, and I'm missing Josh more and more. I wish he would text me or something, but he's got to where he doesn't text much anymore (that or he's too high sometimes to text :-/ I wish he would sober up sometimes). I haven't cried much, although I did break down while in the car at Wal-Mart the other night, but it's growing and it's only a matter of time before I freak ou again. I think I've convinced my mom to take me to a psychatrist (and my eye doctor, but that's totally unrelated) about my problems. Only thing is is she's going to want to try to get a check on me too like she has on my brother. I told her flat out "NO!" I want to work when I turn 16. I am not getting a crazy check so she can waste more money on things we don't need, like the lottery. All it seems like my mom cares about sometimes is money. I really can't help but think that about her. I love Josh and Corie more than my mom. That's may sound bad, but you try living with her for a while.
Anyway that's it for now.

OMG Changes and Events!

So much has happened since the last time I posted. But let me start off saying that me and Jonathan broke up (sad yes, I was devestated... at first). I'm over it now, but that was so hard for me. I mean idk now if I really loved him like that but he is still my friend. But less on that and more on the actual man in my life (as if you can't guess), Josh.

When me and Jonathan first broke up I went to go see him in Americus (hereafter known as AME), and it was fun. He showed me his bikes, both that he built, one still under construction. He was high at the time, but he was cool... until he tried to get me to go in his house with him (we were outside) and sleep with him. And even though I'd fantisized about that before and was kinda tempted, I still felt committed to Jonathan, so I refused. He didn't get mad, just... annoying for a bit. Then he got a text from his on-again-off-again girlfriend so he calmed down. Then my mom came and got me and he gave me a really tight, loving hug, the first time he had ever done that (usually he just hugged me as long as it took to be polite) and whispered in my ear "Be good." I was really confused. It seemed that he changed in jail and really had missed me. Sometime before that, a little before Jonathan and I broke up, he texted me at 4 in the morning, saying to text him when I get up. Well I was up then so I texted back "It's four in the morning" and he said, "Well I said text when you wake up." My reply, "I am up now." The he proceed to say he was sorry that he woke me and said the reason he did was because he missed me (I might mention that he was at work at the time) and he called me sweetie :).I said it was ok and he said the only reason I wasn't mad was because it was him, that he was special. He was right. I might add that he missed me because it had been a while since we texted, due to me thinking I was in love with Jonathan. I know now what real love is.

Fast forward about 2 weeks from the AME incedent and we get to the day before my favorite day ever. I was suffering from a cold and just returned home from a sleep over at my friend Kayla's house. She had come back with me to my house and we were hanging out with Corie and William (her boyfriend) at Corie's house. Kayla had already went home and me, Corie, William, and Bubba were playing around. Corie got sick and William thought it was his fault for playing too rough, so we were outside trying to calm down (it was cold. that was the first sold spell) and Corie told me my phone was ringing. I went and checked it and low and behold it was a text from Josh asking me if he could come stay with me becasue his mom had kicked him out and he didn't have anywhere else to go. It was about 11 at night, but my mom was still up and had actually just got back from AME, where he was. I went and told her the situation and she was like "of course" and told him we'll be there to get him (he was trying to say he'd walk. NO WAY I was going to allow that) so we went to get him, with Corie's mom, Patty, who is also an alcholholic and was drinking and wanted to get out of Sasser for a while. So we go get him and he's riding with us and Patty lets him have some of her drink. This is important to what happens later. It is already after midnight (so it is December 6th, my favorite day) and Josh and I are talking and he lets me feel his facial hair growing in (he has like a goatee or something, its like his sideburns growing to sround his chin. it's cute). I liked the way he did it :). Well we get him back to our palce, and we're all like "Mike can't find out, so you'll have to stay in Sara's room since it has a lock." Well were in there and Mike had been drinking rum lately, so Josh wanted something to drink, so I got him some rum and Coke. I poured way to much rum, enough for him to get drunk. Bubba stayed for a while and talked, but then went to bed. It was just me and Josh alone in my room. With the door locked.

We were sitting there talking. I was sitting next to my chair on one side of the room, him on the opposite side, against the wall. All of a sudden he stopped talking and was just looking at me, so I asked, "What you thinking about?" he shook his head. So I leaned or rather scooted closer to him and asked again. Still just a head shake. So I get a little closer, sitting cross legged with a pillow in my lap and ask again. He leans forward, really close and replys, "You really want to know what I'm thinking?" I say yes. He kisses me. I never thought that would ever happen. He then leans back against the wall and I lean back. We're both quiet now. I then ask him again what he's thinking about. He just smiles a big smile and laughs. Nice. I then recieve a text from Corie saying "Don't fuck him." I say I won't. At the time I wasn't sure if I was lying. There was silence and I mentioned how I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. Josh then breaks the silence by saying, "I'm going to wind up fucking you tonight." Quickly followed by "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I didn't care and told him so. He then started drinking more rum and started looking at the 300 something odd pictures in his phone and I scooted right next to him to look. He was talking about them and showing me. Then about half trough them he stopped, looked at me, and kissed me longer this time (last time had been more of a peck. this wasn't French, but close). We then finish looking at his pictures and we sit there talking. I vaugely remember putting on my mix CD. We then sit there next to each other. All of a sudden he's like, "Stand up" I'm like "Why?" he then stands up and says it again. I reply again "Why?" He then says it again and grabs my shoulders and pulls me into a standing position. He then grabs me in a tight embrace, kissing me (yes French) and pushes me on my bed, on top of me. It was the best thing I ever thought had happened to me. We were like that for a while, then he leans up and says "I want your pants." I made my decision and simply said, "Turn off the light." He jumped up, and had some trouble so I helped, and then He grabbed me again and pushed me down again and kissed me more.
He took off my clothes at regular intervals, then got naked himself and then we... did it. It hurt, yes it did, at first... then it was amazing. I couldn't breathe and it felt good. He kept telling me it was ok and calling me baby. It was the best night of my life. We started at like 3 in the morning and finished at 4:30. I then had to clean up my bed and the wall. I was definatly a virgin. And he was so good that I had my first period (grrrrrr).
After that it was almost every night we did something (or morning). Only one or two we didn't do anything, and only one when he didn't sleep in my room. After a while we started sleeping in the "spoon" position. I loved it, feeling him behind me with his arm around me, us holding hands.
But now he is gone. I'm back in school. He did visit yesterday and last week. Last week we got in a car wreck. Nice. I'm now scared of cars a little now. Yesterday I liked his visit, as we got to hug twice, both long hugs that seemed like neither of us wanted to let go. I love him so much. I just wish he wasn't with that other girl. Even Corie (who's mad at him) says it seems like he likes me. He said he loved me. I miss him. I'm alone all the time and I have such bad crying spells. I miss having him with me and my heart breaks everyday. I love him though, and no matter what happens I will always remember the time he stayed with us (Dec. 6-Dec 23). I love that and think about it everyday. I love him.