OMG Changes and Events!

So much has happened since the last time I posted. But let me start off saying that me and Jonathan broke up (sad yes, I was devestated... at first). I'm over it now, but that was so hard for me. I mean idk now if I really loved him like that but he is still my friend. But less on that and more on the actual man in my life (as if you can't guess), Josh.

When me and Jonathan first broke up I went to go see him in Americus (hereafter known as AME), and it was fun. He showed me his bikes, both that he built, one still under construction. He was high at the time, but he was cool... until he tried to get me to go in his house with him (we were outside) and sleep with him. And even though I'd fantisized about that before and was kinda tempted, I still felt committed to Jonathan, so I refused. He didn't get mad, just... annoying for a bit. Then he got a text from his on-again-off-again girlfriend so he calmed down. Then my mom came and got me and he gave me a really tight, loving hug, the first time he had ever done that (usually he just hugged me as long as it took to be polite) and whispered in my ear "Be good." I was really confused. It seemed that he changed in jail and really had missed me. Sometime before that, a little before Jonathan and I broke up, he texted me at 4 in the morning, saying to text him when I get up. Well I was up then so I texted back "It's four in the morning" and he said, "Well I said text when you wake up." My reply, "I am up now." The he proceed to say he was sorry that he woke me and said the reason he did was because he missed me (I might mention that he was at work at the time) and he called me sweetie :).I said it was ok and he said the only reason I wasn't mad was because it was him, that he was special. He was right. I might add that he missed me because it had been a while since we texted, due to me thinking I was in love with Jonathan. I know now what real love is.

Fast forward about 2 weeks from the AME incedent and we get to the day before my favorite day ever. I was suffering from a cold and just returned home from a sleep over at my friend Kayla's house. She had come back with me to my house and we were hanging out with Corie and William (her boyfriend) at Corie's house. Kayla had already went home and me, Corie, William, and Bubba were playing around. Corie got sick and William thought it was his fault for playing too rough, so we were outside trying to calm down (it was cold. that was the first sold spell) and Corie told me my phone was ringing. I went and checked it and low and behold it was a text from Josh asking me if he could come stay with me becasue his mom had kicked him out and he didn't have anywhere else to go. It was about 11 at night, but my mom was still up and had actually just got back from AME, where he was. I went and told her the situation and she was like "of course" and told him we'll be there to get him (he was trying to say he'd walk. NO WAY I was going to allow that) so we went to get him, with Corie's mom, Patty, who is also an alcholholic and was drinking and wanted to get out of Sasser for a while. So we go get him and he's riding with us and Patty lets him have some of her drink. This is important to what happens later. It is already after midnight (so it is December 6th, my favorite day) and Josh and I are talking and he lets me feel his facial hair growing in (he has like a goatee or something, its like his sideburns growing to sround his chin. it's cute). I liked the way he did it :). Well we get him back to our palce, and we're all like "Mike can't find out, so you'll have to stay in Sara's room since it has a lock." Well were in there and Mike had been drinking rum lately, so Josh wanted something to drink, so I got him some rum and Coke. I poured way to much rum, enough for him to get drunk. Bubba stayed for a while and talked, but then went to bed. It was just me and Josh alone in my room. With the door locked.

We were sitting there talking. I was sitting next to my chair on one side of the room, him on the opposite side, against the wall. All of a sudden he stopped talking and was just looking at me, so I asked, "What you thinking about?" he shook his head. So I leaned or rather scooted closer to him and asked again. Still just a head shake. So I get a little closer, sitting cross legged with a pillow in my lap and ask again. He leans forward, really close and replys, "You really want to know what I'm thinking?" I say yes. He kisses me. I never thought that would ever happen. He then leans back against the wall and I lean back. We're both quiet now. I then ask him again what he's thinking about. He just smiles a big smile and laughs. Nice. I then recieve a text from Corie saying "Don't fuck him." I say I won't. At the time I wasn't sure if I was lying. There was silence and I mentioned how I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. Josh then breaks the silence by saying, "I'm going to wind up fucking you tonight." Quickly followed by "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I didn't care and told him so. He then started drinking more rum and started looking at the 300 something odd pictures in his phone and I scooted right next to him to look. He was talking about them and showing me. Then about half trough them he stopped, looked at me, and kissed me longer this time (last time had been more of a peck. this wasn't French, but close). We then finish looking at his pictures and we sit there talking. I vaugely remember putting on my mix CD. We then sit there next to each other. All of a sudden he's like, "Stand up" I'm like "Why?" he then stands up and says it again. I reply again "Why?" He then says it again and grabs my shoulders and pulls me into a standing position. He then grabs me in a tight embrace, kissing me (yes French) and pushes me on my bed, on top of me. It was the best thing I ever thought had happened to me. We were like that for a while, then he leans up and says "I want your pants." I made my decision and simply said, "Turn off the light." He jumped up, and had some trouble so I helped, and then He grabbed me again and pushed me down again and kissed me more.
He took off my clothes at regular intervals, then got naked himself and then we... did it. It hurt, yes it did, at first... then it was amazing. I couldn't breathe and it felt good. He kept telling me it was ok and calling me baby. It was the best night of my life. We started at like 3 in the morning and finished at 4:30. I then had to clean up my bed and the wall. I was definatly a virgin. And he was so good that I had my first period (grrrrrr).
After that it was almost every night we did something (or morning). Only one or two we didn't do anything, and only one when he didn't sleep in my room. After a while we started sleeping in the "spoon" position. I loved it, feeling him behind me with his arm around me, us holding hands.
But now he is gone. I'm back in school. He did visit yesterday and last week. Last week we got in a car wreck. Nice. I'm now scared of cars a little now. Yesterday I liked his visit, as we got to hug twice, both long hugs that seemed like neither of us wanted to let go. I love him so much. I just wish he wasn't with that other girl. Even Corie (who's mad at him) says it seems like he likes me. He said he loved me. I miss him. I'm alone all the time and I have such bad crying spells. I miss having him with me and my heart breaks everyday. I love him though, and no matter what happens I will always remember the time he stayed with us (Dec. 6-Dec 23). I love that and think about it everyday. I love him.