Update

Omg, I'm worried about Josh. It's not as bad as it was before because his mom just texted me and told me he will explain later. But I haven't heard from him in days. You must know how much I rely on him for help with my problems. I need to know. Being in the dark does not bode well with me. God, please let me find out soon.
Well an update on me since it's been a while. Things are ok I guess. I haven't cut, which is good, although I've wanted to and have been crying a LOT lately. I don't get it. Oh and Josh got back with Stepany, his ex. Ugh. And he ran away, but I think something's happened because his mom texted me. But when he ran away I was talking to him and I swear he said this out of no where, "I love you sara". He said that and I had only told him I wish I was with him. Of course I told him it back, because it's true. I love him.
Oh and Mike's up to his old tricks with me since my mom kicked out my cousin and her mother (it's a long story, all you need to know is they are now our next-door neighbors). Yeah he was starting with me because I went for a walk and changed my mind about where I was going. I fully told my brother and mom, but nooooo, he seems to think I'm a slut and went out to whore around. And it all accumulated into me telling him he's not my daddy and I'm not going to listen to him. Then my mom told me to walk to the store so I wouldn't do something I was going to regret (and by regret like hurting mike, as I'm not going to cut if I can help it because I don't want to lose Josh), and she would come get me (she was in town).
Well that's about it. ttyl. lol

My Heart

God for some reason my freaking heart is hurting. Idk why. It just does. This morning on the bus I wanted so bad to hurt myself. Thank God I was on the bus, or I would have. Idk what is wrong... I just feel hopeless and honestly a little suicidal. There are only a very few reasons that I haven't offed myself yet.
On a more bubbly note I'm so gonna beat Josh's ass. He didn't really even do anything, I'm just going to. The only thing he did was get high last night and not inviting me. Lol. It was so funny. Lol. I need to watch my heart because he might very well just steal it.

Actually Happy

I'm happy right now. I've mentioned Josh before. He just makes me so happy. I'm even trying to stop cutting myself for him. We're just friends... for now (his words I SWEAR), but I like him and he makes me smile. In fact I'm going to see him today. He wants to see me and I'm dying to see him. :-) :-) :-). I'm so happy, although there is always a note of drama, as Corie is becoming more depressed. We're doing everything we can for her.

idk

I'm feeling kinda... weird. On one hand I'm so happy. I met this incredibly cute, nice boy (sorry if I mentioned this before. I can't remember and I'm too lazy to look. :-P) who I like a lot. He even asked me for my number, I didn't have to ask if he wanted it. Unfortunately he has a girlfriend who I think I inevitably broke up. She was jealous that he was talking to me, just because I'm a girl. And like a dumbass I freaked and just think made it worse because I was feeling like it was my fault and made him have to comfort me. But also I was having one of my periodical breakdowns, so I can explain why I was acting that way. But also that night I told my cousin something that made us both cry. I told her back in May when my mom's boyfriend started really bad and started cutting again, that if she hadn't had been there I would have killed myself. I was that depressed. That was a low even for me.
And last night her mom was starting really bad, and she pointed at me and said "I'm sorry I'm not perfect like her!" That made me feel terrible. And as a result, I carved the word "LOVE" into my leg. It's not pretty.
Anyway back to *him*. I like him A LOT. And I just found out that he broke his wrist by punching a wall because his girlfriend dumped him or made him mad or something. But today I was telling how much he means to me. I just don't know what to do.