Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Please
Ugh life sucks. Not in the mood to type much... the only good thing that happended was having a 5 day weekend and seeing Darrin at church Sunday. And seeing Josh Saturday, but that's also why I'm depressed again. I'm missing him like a bitch. I wanted to see him for longer than a minute. At least when I hugged him I got to kiss his neck. He's so damn scared of tiffany and seeing him with her at Wal Mart broke my heart again. Please God, please do let him love me and come see me when he gets his car. Please.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Boys
Well I finally got the long overdue head examination that I've been trying to get my mom to get for me and my suspicions were correct: I have depression and anxiety problems. So he perscribed me some Lexaprol (and it's MINE, you can't heve it ha). Although I have been feeling better the last few days, except last night when I broke down because I started missing him really bad again. I just wanted him to hold me so bad...
Anyway Saturday I went to my friend Emma's birthday party with Rebecca and it was AWESOME. I got to hang out with this cute boy named Darrin. We talked a lot and hung out a good bit of the time. Like we locked them outside (Darrin and some other boys) and they climbed on this tree house thing and were standing out there and I went out there too after a while and we started talking again. He told me about Lee County schools and they sound so cool (I want to go there next year), then one of the boys left and me, Darrin and this other were laughed and the other boy said "Who wants a hug? Seriously I'm cold." So I was like I do and we started to huddle together when Darrin started pushing in saying "Hold on I'm cold too, let's huddle like penguins!" It was funny. He then said something like "Let's have a threesome." And I was shocked and backed away and the other boy left and as we were about to leave he said "I get the front :)" I was just like"...Seriously?" We then went and sat in this wrecked car to keep warm (me, Darrin, the other boy, and Emma), and when we got in I was next to Darrin and he found this black pillow thing and all of a sudden leaned towards me acting like he was going to kiss me saying "Let's make out." He is so crazy. Then we all talked, and then Emma left, so the three of us kept talking and then the other boy left and it was just me and Darrin. It then got akward. And he told me things he didn't trust to say around anyone else at the party. I felt special. He then left and came back, then we had to get out and go back in. Then we went back outside to the tree house thing with some kids phone and were up there huddled together listening to music. But then we got really cold so we went back in. Darrin then preceded to play this skateboard game on the PS2 that he'd been playing on and off all night (he wasn't that good, he kept dying lol) and I was on the couch behind him like I had been most of the night and after a few minutes turned around and told me to sit in the chair next to him :). Unfortunatly Becca's mom showed up so we had to leave and I went and spent the night there. That was the most fun I've had in a while. And Emma told me Darrin said he thought I was pretty. Yay! Although she also said he had been talking about this other girl -_-" Oh well, whatever happens, happens. But I do get to see him at church Wednesday :).
And Darrin's not the only boy in my life. Bernard has started texting me and he wants to date me. He said he LOVED me. How can he love me and he doesn't even know me? Ugh I don't want to date him but I can't be mean either. I don't know what to do... and he's coming over Saturday. *gulp* I hope this ends well...
Anyway Saturday I went to my friend Emma's birthday party with Rebecca and it was AWESOME. I got to hang out with this cute boy named Darrin. We talked a lot and hung out a good bit of the time. Like we locked them outside (Darrin and some other boys) and they climbed on this tree house thing and were standing out there and I went out there too after a while and we started talking again. He told me about Lee County schools and they sound so cool (I want to go there next year), then one of the boys left and me, Darrin and this other were laughed and the other boy said "Who wants a hug? Seriously I'm cold." So I was like I do and we started to huddle together when Darrin started pushing in saying "Hold on I'm cold too, let's huddle like penguins!" It was funny. He then said something like "Let's have a threesome." And I was shocked and backed away and the other boy left and as we were about to leave he said "I get the front :)" I was just like"...Seriously?" We then went and sat in this wrecked car to keep warm (me, Darrin, the other boy, and Emma), and when we got in I was next to Darrin and he found this black pillow thing and all of a sudden leaned towards me acting like he was going to kiss me saying "Let's make out." He is so crazy. Then we all talked, and then Emma left, so the three of us kept talking and then the other boy left and it was just me and Darrin. It then got akward. And he told me things he didn't trust to say around anyone else at the party. I felt special. He then left and came back, then we had to get out and go back in. Then we went back outside to the tree house thing with some kids phone and were up there huddled together listening to music. But then we got really cold so we went back in. Darrin then preceded to play this skateboard game on the PS2 that he'd been playing on and off all night (he wasn't that good, he kept dying lol) and I was on the couch behind him like I had been most of the night and after a few minutes turned around and told me to sit in the chair next to him :). Unfortunatly Becca's mom showed up so we had to leave and I went and spent the night there. That was the most fun I've had in a while. And Emma told me Darrin said he thought I was pretty. Yay! Although she also said he had been talking about this other girl -_-" Oh well, whatever happens, happens. But I do get to see him at church Wednesday :).
And Darrin's not the only boy in my life. Bernard has started texting me and he wants to date me. He said he LOVED me. How can he love me and he doesn't even know me? Ugh I don't want to date him but I can't be mean either. I don't know what to do... and he's coming over Saturday. *gulp* I hope this ends well...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Things are Worse
Since the last time things have gotten progressively worse. First off I started cutting again. 4 months down the freaking toilet. Ugh. And yes I know I said I never would again because Josh would never talk to me again. Well... that's the reason I did.
He got his girlfriend, Tiffany (I hate her), pregnant and now she won't let him talk to any girls. That is a load of caca de toro and he should know that. And I feel bad for him. Now he does not have just one but two kids on the way and that must be stressful (although I'm suspicious about Stephany's baby...), but I really need him and he said he'd be here and would never let me down. Also I love him so much, I cry almost everyday because this hurts so bad. But I did happen to see him at Wal-Mart (in Albany no less, which is weird because he lives in AME, and they have a Wal-Mart), just when I was about to completely give up, so I can't help but think it's a sign to not totally give up hope. I saw a comment today that sounds like what I should do, "I never stopped loving you, I just stopped showing it." Showing it hurts more, so it's easier to look numb. I don't know what to do. I mean I gave that boy my virginity and have loved him since I met him, so I just can't let him go yet.
Speaking of virginity, Rebecca found out I'm not a virgin (thanks Bubba), and had to allude to it somehow last night at church last night (grrr), going so far as trying to get everybody to tell if they're a virgin or not. She obviously has never been in a situation where that can happen and doesn't have those feelings. It's a lot harder to resist than I ever thought it would be and I knew about it all. I feel bad for her when she's in that situation. Oh well. And I got invited to Emma's b-day party Saturday so I gotta prepare for that, and also volunteered for stuff at the FBLA meeting (by the way I went to the competition and placed in both of my areas and can go to Atlanta if I can get the money [I'm not sure if I mentioned this before so I'm mentioning it now]).
Well this is all I feel like writing. It's starting to depress me.
Oh one more thing, my mom FINALLY made me an appointment with a psychiatrist, so yay. Although her bitching all the time (literally) isn't helping me.
He got his girlfriend, Tiffany (I hate her), pregnant and now she won't let him talk to any girls. That is a load of caca de toro and he should know that. And I feel bad for him. Now he does not have just one but two kids on the way and that must be stressful (although I'm suspicious about Stephany's baby...), but I really need him and he said he'd be here and would never let me down. Also I love him so much, I cry almost everyday because this hurts so bad. But I did happen to see him at Wal-Mart (in Albany no less, which is weird because he lives in AME, and they have a Wal-Mart), just when I was about to completely give up, so I can't help but think it's a sign to not totally give up hope. I saw a comment today that sounds like what I should do, "I never stopped loving you, I just stopped showing it." Showing it hurts more, so it's easier to look numb. I don't know what to do. I mean I gave that boy my virginity and have loved him since I met him, so I just can't let him go yet.
Speaking of virginity, Rebecca found out I'm not a virgin (thanks Bubba), and had to allude to it somehow last night at church last night (grrr), going so far as trying to get everybody to tell if they're a virgin or not. She obviously has never been in a situation where that can happen and doesn't have those feelings. It's a lot harder to resist than I ever thought it would be and I knew about it all. I feel bad for her when she's in that situation. Oh well. And I got invited to Emma's b-day party Saturday so I gotta prepare for that, and also volunteered for stuff at the FBLA meeting (by the way I went to the competition and placed in both of my areas and can go to Atlanta if I can get the money [I'm not sure if I mentioned this before so I'm mentioning it now]).
Well this is all I feel like writing. It's starting to depress me.
Oh one more thing, my mom FINALLY made me an appointment with a psychiatrist, so yay. Although her bitching all the time (literally) isn't helping me.
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