I'm feeling upbeat right now because of some music I'm listening to ("Whatever You Like", by T.I.). Still struggling with my low self-esteem, but a little lifted since it turns out I've lost about 15-20 lbs since the last time I went to the doctor's. I found this out when I went to the doctor yesterday for my sore throat (which turns out to be infected with a possible strep infection), and when they weighed me I was like "Whoa, I use to weigh ___ and now I weigh ___." (:-P you're not finding out my weight). But I almost had an anxiety attack because they have to take my blood pressure and they use my left arm.
Guess what I have on my left arm? Yeah, scars. Although I haven't cut in almost a week. Scratched myself, but not an actual cut. Lucky for me the nurse didn't notice.
Today I wanted to cut really bad, but I didn't. I can't help but think it's going to happen again. My depression just seems to get worse and worse. I can't help it. My cousin helps, but when I see how happy she is with her boyfriend, I get so jealous and think, "Why can't a boy love me like that? Why am I always alone?" I don't know what to do.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Let's Go
God ppl need to leave me and my friends alone. There's this girls last night who was texting my cousin's boyfriend, saying she wanted to do him. Then we started texting them to back off. And one is a lesbo. Nice. Can't stand ppl like that.
Also today these creepy guys were looking at me and my cuz. They obviously liked what they saw. They were creepy. On some level I was flattered, because I'm not use to boys looking at me. But mostly I'm mad. If ppl want to go, let's go. I'll beat their asses.
Also today these creepy guys were looking at me and my cuz. They obviously liked what they saw. They were creepy. On some level I was flattered, because I'm not use to boys looking at me. But mostly I'm mad. If ppl want to go, let's go. I'll beat their asses.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Stupid Shit
God my mom's boyfriend needs to get a job. And fast. He was suppost to go to Florida. But he don't want to go cuz we're trying to sell this piece of crap car. He seems to think my mom is incompetent. I can't stand him.
Also my cousin's mom keeps starting with her over stupid stuff. Taking her phone away cuz she can. Might I add she only does it when she's drinking. Last night this happened. I couldn't help what I did. Now my leg is scarred up and it hurts when I move it. But I felt so bad for my cuz, like somehow it's my fault. I need help.
And my mom pisses me off too. Sunday she took my brother to the library (which is the only time I get on the computer) and didn't tell me she was going. She said to looked like I wasn't interested (SHE DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME!!!!!!!!!), cuz I went for a walk. If she didn't have to go to see her probation officer, we wouldn't have went today. I'm sick of all this shit I put up with.
Also my cousin's mom keeps starting with her over stupid stuff. Taking her phone away cuz she can. Might I add she only does it when she's drinking. Last night this happened. I couldn't help what I did. Now my leg is scarred up and it hurts when I move it. But I felt so bad for my cuz, like somehow it's my fault. I need help.
And my mom pisses me off too. Sunday she took my brother to the library (which is the only time I get on the computer) and didn't tell me she was going. She said to looked like I wasn't interested (SHE DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME!!!!!!!!!), cuz I went for a walk. If she didn't have to go to see her probation officer, we wouldn't have went today. I'm sick of all this shit I put up with.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Depressed Feelings
Clubs at school are recruiting. I think there is some contest between the clubs to see how many students join what. I think I'm going to join Skills USA. The dues are pretty good and you get to take trips, so it sounds good. I'm also probably going to be tutoring math students. Idk how I got sucked into that.
My friend who happens to be a boy is going to a different school in about two weeks. And you know my cousin told him I liked him and asked if he liked me. He does, but only as a friend. And I feel like I'm the cause of him moving (I think I have a guilt complex). Because he knows I like him. And he will never like me like that. He likes my cousin. What a surprise. No boy will ever like me or love me. I'm going to grow old and die alone. If I live to grow old.
Some good news is that my mom's boyfriend is going to work in Florida for three months next week. You know he's the reason that I started cutting myself on a regular basis again. I was getting better. But no. He started one day, and I snapped and now I haven't been able to stop. When I found out that my friend didn't like me I cut deeper than I usually do. It bled. A lot. And I did it, not so much because he rejected me, but just the fact I was rejected. I've been rejected so much in life by so many people I just can't take anymore. But hopefully it will get better. I just got to remember God helps those who helps their selves.
My friend who happens to be a boy is going to a different school in about two weeks. And you know my cousin told him I liked him and asked if he liked me. He does, but only as a friend. And I feel like I'm the cause of him moving (I think I have a guilt complex). Because he knows I like him. And he will never like me like that. He likes my cousin. What a surprise. No boy will ever like me or love me. I'm going to grow old and die alone. If I live to grow old.
Some good news is that my mom's boyfriend is going to work in Florida for three months next week. You know he's the reason that I started cutting myself on a regular basis again. I was getting better. But no. He started one day, and I snapped and now I haven't been able to stop. When I found out that my friend didn't like me I cut deeper than I usually do. It bled. A lot. And I did it, not so much because he rejected me, but just the fact I was rejected. I've been rejected so much in life by so many people I just can't take anymore. But hopefully it will get better. I just got to remember God helps those who helps their selves.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
School
I love going to school. Even though my school is not the best in the world, at least I'm in school. I have so much fun when I'm in school. Not only do boys actually like me (I hope), my teachers do too. Right now my school work is easy too. Today in my world history (I'm in there with only one other freshman. The other 30 students are sophomores) girl thought I was Mexican or mixed because of my black hair. I finally told her that my hair is dyed.
I have now painted my nails black, to match my now black hair. I redyed my hair last night (damn roots), and got dye everywhere. At least it came off.
My depression, despite my brief happiness at school, still isn't much better. I still cut myself, despite my cousin's best efforts. I even did last night for no real reason. I had been pretty happy all day too. I hope it will get better, but I don't know what to do.
I have now painted my nails black, to match my now black hair. I redyed my hair last night (damn roots), and got dye everywhere. At least it came off.
My depression, despite my brief happiness at school, still isn't much better. I still cut myself, despite my cousin's best efforts. I even did last night for no real reason. I had been pretty happy all day too. I hope it will get better, but I don't know what to do.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Feel Better
Well I feel better now. School has started and that has help my mood and my self-esteem. I say self-esteem because there are a lot of boys at my school that like me. Well, they like looking at my butt, but still. They do like me.
My home life ain't much better though. My mom's boyfriend is still a dick. And I still cut myself. But my cousin is with me a lot to keep me from doing it anymore (but when you have a boyfriend and a short attention span like her she can't watch me all the time). She's (supposedly) stopped cutting herself. But it's really hard to stop. But because I'm back in school I won't have much of a chance to and I won't want to because I'll be happier. At school. I plan to stay out of the house a lot more often.
I'm not in the mood to really write much today. I also don't have much else to write about except my cousin can hardly walk because of these HUGE blisters she got on her feet last night because she was walking everywhere with no shoes on.
Also I went to this concert and these two boys were hitting on my cousin and me, and this boy from my school named Charles (who I'm surprised even remembers who I am, and who I don't really like that much because, although he's cute, is kinda weird. And not like me weird, but... Well idk. Just strange.), and he was leaving the concert and I was going back in and he said "Hey Sara, you going back to Terrell this year?" I responded "Yeah, are you?" And he said yes. That was weird. Why does he care? I'll update on this matter at another time (not that anyone apparently cares, but whatever).
My home life ain't much better though. My mom's boyfriend is still a dick. And I still cut myself. But my cousin is with me a lot to keep me from doing it anymore (but when you have a boyfriend and a short attention span like her she can't watch me all the time). She's (supposedly) stopped cutting herself. But it's really hard to stop. But because I'm back in school I won't have much of a chance to and I won't want to because I'll be happier. At school. I plan to stay out of the house a lot more often.
I'm not in the mood to really write much today. I also don't have much else to write about except my cousin can hardly walk because of these HUGE blisters she got on her feet last night because she was walking everywhere with no shoes on.
Also I went to this concert and these two boys were hitting on my cousin and me, and this boy from my school named Charles (who I'm surprised even remembers who I am, and who I don't really like that much because, although he's cute, is kinda weird. And not like me weird, but... Well idk. Just strange.), and he was leaving the concert and I was going back in and he said "Hey Sara, you going back to Terrell this year?" I responded "Yeah, are you?" And he said yes. That was weird. Why does he care? I'll update on this matter at another time (not that anyone apparently cares, but whatever).
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