Mini Update Thing

Well I noticed I did not get on here once for the full year of 2011. Or for the end of 2010. A lot happened. Like Billy. Billy Fischer. That is who I was referring to in my last blog. Not Josh. Josh is Finis. Billy is the second person I ever let myself fall for COMPLETELY. April to July is a long time for me. I just can't believe that we didn't last. All because of Heather. Because she hurt him, he became scared of feelings (love) and runs when he feels it. This came out of his mouth and many others... I just miss him. A lot. A whole fucking lot.

I wish I knew what to do...

I'm tempting myself with someone I know I can never have. Or should say, have again. Sex is NOT love. I know this. But it's too much to pass up when I'm literally in his bed. I'm setting myself up for hurt, and this time, I'm the only one to blame.
No one pity me.

I have a new blog...

I'm sorry that I haven't been on here in forever, despite the lack of followers (YOU SUCK)... so much has happened, honestly there is no way to catch up again... The best way is to stalk both my Facebooks and my Tumblr...

Tumblr: ninjazombiegirl.tumblr.com

I Get Too Lazy with this Thing

Look here. It's November already. Almost Thanksgiving. It's been a month and a half since I last posted. God I'm lazy. Then again, I haven't been to the library too much lately. Whatever.
Jeremiah has drifted more. He said we can't be friends at all and ignores me at school, save to text me what is for lunch. It hurts seeing him, since I still feel something for him. But I ignore it and avert my gaze... but can't help but look for him. I know that's tormenting myself, but I can't help it. I miss him. He was the best guy I was ever with. I just wish I meant as much to him. I still wish he had dumped me that Friday instead of the Monday. Because that Saturday in between is what made my liking grow into something more. And then he tells me we don't feel like a couple. Bull. But I'm depressing myself talking about this.

School has been bearable. I'm in student council as secretary if I haven't mentioned that before. Yay. I went to the first meeting this week. It wasn't that bad. I just need to type the notes (oh hell, I forgot them.). I don't want to focus on school too much while writing but will update a little further. I have a 97 average as of my last report card. Good for me. I'm in WIA, so I'm getting paid for that (although my mom takes all my money). Mrs. Harvey and Mrs. Rountree have paid my FBLA dues, so that's taken care of, and I will be passing out meals on Thanksgiving (not that it matters, we're not really celebrating). I have the next week off from school... We'll see how that goes.

I've been spending more time on Facebook than ever before. It's like my life-line. I created an account seperate from my other one. I write a lot on it when I want to cut (almost two weeks clean. Ever since Jeremiah decided he didn't care, I started again, but stopped for a reason I'll tell you about in a minute). I have met so many nice people, people that I care about. Like Ashley/Lexie/Adrianna (mpd). I love her like a sister, even if she seems like an attention seeking bitch sometimes. I have to remember that she hasn't told me everything yet, so I continue to support her. And David. The sweet Irish boy who really has a thing for me, but is blood bound to another girl. Did that stop us from having cybersex? Nope. He started it, and I didn't really like it. But you know me, I live to please. But it's been a while, so I'm hoping he'll let that drop. And Anthony. The one that honestly means the most to me. He's my best friend. We actually met through Ashley, when trying to cheer her up with randomness. I like Anthony. A lot. It might be even something stronger than liking, but I will not tell him that. He said he didn't want to hurt me like that. I agreed. But he promised to always be there if he could. He even gave me his cell number. I changed my text plan just so I could text him. I promised him I'd stop cutting. Not becasue he asked, but because he didn't. He even said he understood if I broke. I quit smoking for him too, even though he didn't ask. He's even learning a song on his guitar for me. How I wished we lived close. I hope one day to go see him. I really do.

I guess I could recount all the horrible things my mom's been doing (like spending all our money and taking my WIA pay) or the terrible things I've been thinking. Or I could leave on a happy note. I think I'll do the latter. See ya.

PS: I am trying to not have anything to do with Josh anymore. Yay for finally seeing the light.

stupid life

I have a cold again. I had one last month too. Jeremiah had given me that one. Idk who gave me this one. I'm miserable. Jeremiah broke up with me last week on Sept 27th... I hate it. And he found out from Corie that I cut, so now he says he can't talk to me until he has "proof" that I stopped.
I also did something really bad this weekend. I had a one night stand with this boy named Bubba. And I don't feel the least bit guilty, either. I don't have mush time, so I'll type more later.

Really Long Update

Ok so much has happened since my last post on here. God I've been really lazy. Well first off me and John broke up in June over some really stupid shit. Oh well, if he likes Sirena Pearson more than me, that's him. Just to take me to Cheehaw Park and leave me alone and go off with her while telling me that he still loved me is pretty low down. I cried the whole day (I was going through a depressive stage). And he dumped me the next day. Nice. I couldn't let go either. Not for a week... That is until something really unexpected happened. Can you guess what it was?
Josh texted me. That's right. The one who disappeared out of my life for months on end. He texted me with a new number and said he missed me. Appearantly he had been in jail and him and Tiffany had broke up but he hadn't had my number. Well we talked on and off for a week or too. Then one day at McDonald's my mom said that she wouldn't care if Josh came to stay with us again. I was floored. I immediately texted him and told him. He couldn't believe it either. And a few days later he wanted to know if she was serious. I told him that she was. He wanted to come back. And he did. The day after I turned 16. But things were different.
He was different. At first he was the same. Wanted sex. Made me want it. But then he started getting distant. Not wanting sex or anything really. I was weirded out. And it all finally accumulated in a big fight where he told me that he didn't love me like that and that he knew it was wrong to use me for sex when he knew what it did to me. I was heartbroken. AGAIN. I hated that he did that... Then. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Then came Hannah.
Hannah is the reason Josh is not in school anymore. She lives in Warner Robins and her parents don't like Josh. She starts coming to get him to take with her to WR for a few days. Before they went, they always had to make a big show of PDA and even had sex in my house, in my brother's room. That hurt. And even Josh said he thought she only wanted him for sex (hmmm.. who else had he said that about? oh, yeah, me.) Well one night him, Hannah, and his "sister" (not really) show up at our house with Hannah's car, saying they might stay a few days. This is weird since Josh said he'd probably be gone for about a month. Well we hung out while Hannah passed out from drinking (Josh's quote "I'm sick of her always being under my ass, let her pass out and we'll go somewhere.") So we did, and came home and went to bed. Well the next day Josh and his "sister" go to visit Nuk B (weed dealer). They come back mighty quick... with cops in tow. Josh runs in the door, says there are cops here, and runs out the back door. The cops come in looking for him, guns drawn and everything. My mom is surprised. What's going on is appearantly Hannah had ran away and they were trying to say Josh kiddnapped her. Right. I'm so sure. I hate Hannah.
Well Josh ran, but they caught him and off to jail he went. We then had to take his sister home (Hannah was supposed to go to juvie, but turns out she didn't....grrrr), and take Josh's stuff to his mom. I got his mom's number and we started texting a lot. We're now really good friends. In fact I usually stay weekends with her cuz I can visit Josh on Saturdays and I'll spend the night and she gets me cigarettes (bad, I know). I like Miss Mary.

Well after he got arrested, I was really depressed, but I did stop cutting (as of this writing I'm at 28 days). Then school started and that bummed me out cuz Josh wanted to be here for that. And what should happen that a new boy from Webster County should be a Junior here this year, and happens to be a friend of Kayla's. His name is Jeremiah. I met him the second day but was afraid to say anything... But then I texted Keon and told him that I thought that Jeremiah was cute (well, I said I liked him but I meant he was cute). Well Keon goes on to tell Kayla, who then tells Jeremiah. Then Kayla tells me to text a number and say it's me. Turns out it was Jeremiah. We talk and he wants to know if it's true that I said that. I tell him yes. He says he wants to get to know me more, so we start texting a lot, and seeing each other and talking as much as we can during school (which is a lot considering we're in different grades). We start getting really close.
One day we were walking down the hall together (the rumors about dating had already started), and he mentions going out to eat. I say "Lucky! I never get to go out." He's like "Well, you can go with me." I mention my money issue, and he says he'd pay. I kinda argue but he wins. He comes to get me Friday (the 10th) and we go to San Joe's, then Dollar General, then Mickey D's for dessert (yes a real redneck date but idc lol), then out to his step-grandma's. And finally he shows me his house. And he takes me home... We hold hands while he was driving :). Then we get to my house, he goes in, meets my mom, and goes home. No, we didn't kiss, but I'm still happy.

Well he then goes to a youth summit at Rock Eagle for the weekend. We text a lot and I notice he changed his signature to "di que si" which is Spanish. I had to get someone to translate it for me since he wouldn't, and it means "tell me yes". I wanted to know what to say yes to, and he said wait till I see you Tuesday (that was his birthday). That annoyed me a little but I dealt with it. Then I changed my signature to "si" or "yes". He was that and said he wanted to ask me something (this was Sunday, the 12th). What he asked me was "quieres ser mi novia?" which means "will you be my girlfriend?" (I had to get it translated, again). Of Course I said si. I was so happy. And he started calling me babe and I get to see him so much. It feels right. I'm happy.

So this is the update I've been promising for so long.

Dear Life, I Hate You

I really wish I knew why I even try anymore. I really do. Every thing is going to shit. I don't want to deal with it anymore.