I'm Lazy

Too lazy to type...I do have a lot to write though, just don't feel like typing...did cut again. Damn.

Thank God for FB

I'm too tired to type much. It doesn't matter if I do. NO ONE reads it. But I'll just say I'm feeling better. All I can say is THANK GOD for Facebook.

Therapy

Ugh life sucks so much... but that doesn't mean that I hate life...I'm just tired of life. It drains me a little more everyday. I can't handle it. A little more and I really might go off myself somehow. But the thing is... I don't want to die. The little pleasures I really do enjoy... but the pain is in control most of the time. I'm tired of the never ending mood swings, my mom's bitchiness, the pain, the hurt, the tears, the worthlessness, the self-injury, the seemingly never ending cycle of slight happiness followed by the hate and pain. And not hate for anyone else...the hate for myself. I hate myself. Everything bad is my fault. So I have to do something to make up for the pain that those I love feel. Sometimes I don't eat, but usually I just slice myself up.

I wish I could talk to my therapist about this.

Oh yeah, I'm in thearapy now. Today was my first session. I did get a lot out, but I can't tell her about the most prominent thing right now, the cutting. She said basic stuff she couldn't tell my mom about, but she can tell her about if I'm hurting myself, so I'm out fucking luck there. But I did get some of the steam out, and some tears. God I hate crying. But at least my eyes look green now. Of course I feel bad again now, cuz my mom can't go fucking 5 minutes without bitching about something, this time the Blockbuster movies we still haven't rreturned. "Why don't you ever help me remember?!" Good God mom, I would think you would remember, since you sleep about 12 hours a day, don't work, just sit around every GD day, while I barely sleep, have school, and many other things to do. God I'm really tired too. I wish I could sleep. But I'm staying up. I have to. I'm worried about Jef... I want to make sure he's going to be ok. Plus when I sleep the memories I try to not let out escape. Then I get depressed again. Well, even more depressed than I was, since depressed is my habitual emotion.

I'm getting quiet again... I worry when I'm like this cuz even I'm not sure of what I might do. I got like this back in January, when I started cutting regularly again. When I'm like this I think too much... too much about hurt and death. My death. Yes, I'm slightly suicidial. That I did not tell to my therapist. I can't, I'll be committed. But I doubt I'll do anything, unless things get progressivly worse. Then I might get that gun of Mike's and put it to some long awaited use. Or see how deep that razor can go. Or see how many pain killers it will take to permantly kill my pain... But for now I think I'm going to be alright. I won't kill myself just yet.

Revelation

I was just reading all my old posts and realized that this blog has basically been my depression/love life/self injury diary. And the sad part is that I can't stop being who I am. I will always give my heart away too easily, love like no tomorrow, love Josh (as stupid as that is), hate Mike, and not get along with my mother. If I ever kill myself maybe they'll come across this and understand why better.

WTF?

Life sucks. Life is cruel. Why do I even give a shit anymore? It seems that everyone I every loved or cared about has hurt or left me at some point, even if they came back... Josh has left. I'm going to have to accept that fact and move on with my life... He's living with Tiffany... I hate her. Then thinking he'd come to see me. How stupid... At least I have some solstice... A new friend that makes it a little easier... He suffers with the same problems (which reminds me I hate his "best friend" too...) I do. He makes me feel better. Too bad he's 23 years older than me and lives in Missouri. Life is a bitch.
Well I cut again last night and today... Damn almost made it a month too. I now have the word "LIFE" on my leg to keep "LOVE" company, along with a star on the other leg and some regular cuts, along with the ones on my arms. I can't believe no one has noticed... I even was doing it with my brother in the room, but of course he was too busy playing video games... Everyone is always too busy... I think I might try to OD, just to see if anyone would notice in time to save me. Seriously doubt it. I did have an appointment with Dr. Nadu, my psychiatrist. He is now sending me to threapy. I will only talk if my mom is not there, otherwise it will just be a waste of time.
Hmmm, my typing speed has declined.
Oh, now I do need to be careful about going deep when I cut, as now I have a new razor that is much sharper. The other one just wasn't cutting it (get it? Ha ha, shut up).
You know I don't even get why I write on this damn thing. Far as I can tell, no one reads it. But it's good I guess to get this all out somehow, other than my other methods... sigh, I'm going to be in so much trouble with Corie if she finds out, and Kayla. Shit why didn't I think before I pulled that shit again? Whatever, they can live with it. I'm not stopping now for anybody but me, not for anyone else again, and as of this writing, I don't want to stop. Let it kill me.